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In Search of a Prime Ministerial Face in the Cowland

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Janata's United, Modern and Liberal Awaaz, or JUMLA, felt jittery. With 2019 Lok Sabha elections less than two years away, the party had not yet picked on a Prime Ministerial face to challenge the puissant, Narendra Damodardas Modi. It's creme de la creme, brooded, brainstormed, belaboured for days but found none. Nothing comes out of scraping an empty barrel. Mr. Modi stood leagues in front of any competition.

Then a young chappy came up with a new idea. If the party didn't have one, it could hire one through a public tender. Not too outlandish an idea if one reckoned the way Amit Shah went about recruiting to fill gaps in BJP's talent pool. Wasn't it much the same thing? Whereas Shah's methods are subterranean, this one looks transparent. Finally, the party was sold on the idea.

An internal committee was promptly set up to work out the modalities and come up with a potent prime ministerial face with utmost expedition. Within a week it finalised the desired personality traits and the party programs to be espoused by interested candidates.

Must qualifications:

be bearded. The three dark horses (I K Gujral, Manmohan Singh, and Narendra D Modi) who leapfrogged more illustrious party colleagues to political stardom, all had it.

be endowed with that veritable political aphrodisiac - risen in life from an obscure humble origin. (It never fails to evoke instant sympathies of the poor and invests the man, effortlessly, with a pro-poor halo. And the poor have numbers.). Any 'poor' vocation like majdoor, khomchawala, paanwala, doodhwala, peanutwala (a 5-year old Jimmy Carter, ex US Prez, sold boiled peanuts on streets) will do. (Not chaiwala though, it's already taken up)

be a powerful orator, capable of rabble-rousing audiences to sufficiently high emotional pitch, enough for faith to overcome reason. Must be a consummate practitioner of the art of rhetoric, spin, bollywoodian innuendos and double entendres (not pun, that is too suave), subtle subterfuge ...and the art of exciting pathos by words, bodily gestures.

be able to cold-stare down one into meek submission. A visage with no-nonsense, business-only signposts most desirable, it adds aura.

be nattily dressed, and at all times. With Mr. Modi making fashion statements once too often, sporting Kurtas with holes in pockets is courting disaster.

Party programs to be orchestrated:

No beef, no goat or sheep meat too. Only horse meat will be allowed because Vedic rituals sanctify horse sacrifice in Aswamedha yagna.

Policy making to be metamorphosed to a genuine, participative Lok Niti. People to decide the GDP growth. Once decided, CSO will make necessary data adjustments, including change of base year, methodology, the extrapolation parameters used to account for material economic activities for which no data is collected etc. Even past data could be revised to align expert's forecasts with popular demands. Non-achievement of GDP growth targets will be a thing of the past.

Ban all paper notes. Only bitcoins transactions to be legal contracts

All neighbourhood policing jobs including crowd control to be outsourced to vigilante groups. Cops only for crime investigation and providing A to Z security cover for politician, corporate and religious honchos.

Ensuring a corruption free India. No Lok Pal, no FIRs against govt officials, politicians unless approved, unanimously, by the Anti-Corruption Crime Heads Authority, ACCHA that included the PM and held office at his pleasure.

RPA to be amended to permit MLAs, MPs not belonging to the ruling party at Centre to freely migrate to it without incurring disqualifications.

A new Ministry of Truth to be set up. It will recall print and electronic versions of all Indian history texts ever written for scrutiny. All 'untrue' texts will either be deleted or altered by educationists in the ministry to reflect ' truth'. Falsehoods like Akbar the Great, instead of Maharana Pratap the Great, won't be tolerated any longer. After such redactions, the books will be reissued as the original texts of the authors. Those objecting will be sent to Pakistan.

Special treaty with Pakistan for interchange of ' inconvenient citizens.' For example, those who can't live without beef in India to be exported to Pak and those who can't live without eating pork to be imported from Pakistan.

A new Ministry of Love to channel love in right directions - increasing Hindu fecundity, suppressing that of other communities to restore proper 'demographic' balance. 'Errant' Love to be 'discouraged'.

The 'grammar of silence ' for victims of domestic atrocities and 'idiom of heartbreaks' for victims of ethnic terror abroad approach to be reversed to 'idiom of heartbreaks' for domestic victims, a 'grammar of silence' for victims abroad. After all, the latter is the responsibility of respective states.

Acronyms will be made the official lingo of government. A wing in the Dept. of Comm., GYAN (get your acronym now), will engage full time in churning out real catchy ones. For example, an officer approving a project would sign off as GAGA - Government Approves Go Ahead. If not, he may write NADA - Not Approved Do Again. Measures to aid poor would be called SOPS - stamping out poverty schemes and sops to promote business would be called GIFTS - Government Incentives for Trade Schemes; stuffs like that. So scintillating!

Dairying will be made a national endeavour, MUD, to boost national production of Milk, Urine, (gau-mutra) and Dung (gobar). Every employee, serving or retired, in govt, PSU, or institutions in receipt of govt support/funds/grants to maintain a cow. Milk cooperatives to specially monitor quantities of MUD received daily from these privileged people so that there are no defaults.

Last heard, notices inviting Expression of Interest were due within the next few days.


 A R Mishra, Patrakar Nagar, Patna.

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